Cricket Sledging

Cricket Sledging

During the 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed Miandad commented that Merv Hughes looked like a fat bus conductor.

Big Merv dismissed the Pakistani soon after, allegedly running passed the batsman yelling, ‘Tickets please!’

Daryll Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Shane Warne remarked that he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him.

Looks like you spent it eating,’ Cullinan retorted.

 

Is he really out

In the 1970s the umpires in New Zealand were notorious for being biased towards the home team and almost all team complained about it whenever they toured the country. It was India’s turn to experience it when they toured New Zealand in 1976 and since India used to depend a lot on their spinners, it became harder as most close in catches or lbw decisions went against them. The bowlers were pretty much exasperated at the treatment and so when India’s premier bowler B S Chandrasekhar wrapped up the New Zealand innings in the second Test by getting the batsman clean bowled, he did something that triggers a laugh even now among those who were present there. After the last batsman was clean bowled Chandra, as he used to be called, appealed vociferously for the dismissal. The dumbfounded umpire then asked him why on earth he was appealing as the batsman was clean bowled; that is when Chandra asked a question that summed up the level of umpiring quite admirably. He asked the umpire- “I know he is bowled but is he out?”

Reporters are reporters

An 8 year old boy was riding his bicycle in Ojus, Florida, when he saw his friend being attacked by a large pit bulldog. The boy jumped off his bike, ran and jumped on the dog’s back. After prying the vicious animal’s teeth from his young friend’s body, he put the dog in a choke hold and held on until the dog was dead.

The local newspaper editor happened to witness this feat and after calling for the ambulance on his cell phone, ran over to the young hero and said, “Son that was one of the bravest things I have ever seen. You’re going to make tomorrow’s headlines. It will read: ‘University of Miami fan is a Hero: Risks his life and Saves Young Friend from Vicious Pit Bull Attack.'”

The youngster said, “That’s nice, but I’m not a University of Miami Fan.”

Then the Headline will read, “University of Florida Fan Saves young friend’s Life in Pitt Bull Attack.”

The Young Man said, “But I’m not a University of Florida fan.”

The editor said, “OK, then it will read, “FSU Fan Saves Friend’s Life.”

Once again the young man interrupted saying, “I’m not a FSU Fan, either.”

The editor, becoming somewhat irritated, asked, “Then, who is you favorite team?”

The kid replied with a big smile, “The Georgia Bulldogs!!!”

The next morning, the local newspaper headlines read:

“BELOVED FAMILY PET MURDERED BY MEAN LITTLE BASTARD.”

Humor in the air.

Occasionally, airline attendants and pilots make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

  1. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
  2. Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
  3. After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
  4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
  5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
  6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
  7. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
  8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
  9. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
  10. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”
  11. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!”
  12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced: ”Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
  13. Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
  14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said: ”Sonny, mind if I as you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said: “Did we land or were we shot down?”
  15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
  16. Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

On arriving at London’s Heathrow Airport, the pilot announced: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m pleased to report that we have arrived on time since, owing to a stroke of luck, we managed to find the airport at the first attempt.”

Pakistani Umpiring

In the eighties world Cricket was dominated by the Mighty West Indies Cricket Team and the English Cricket Team. Pakistan also played a major part in the domination but not with their skills in the game but with their poor standards in umpiring.

During one of those days, Imran Khan, the captain of the Pakistan Cricket team met Australian captain Allan Border in an informal meeting in Sydney. During a chat, Imran told Allan Border: “AB, give me Sunil Gavaskar and B. S. Chandrashekhar from India, we will beat Australia.”

In a shocking reply, Allan Border said: “Imran, just give me two umpires from Pakistan and we will beat the whole world.” Imran Khan was left speechless. Later, a furious Imran Khan complained to the Australian board. Under pressure from his board, Allan Border tendered apologies to Imran Khan and Pakistan Cricket Board.

Don’t mess with me Dude.

It was a county match in England between Somerset and Glamorgan. An unknown batsman with unknown talent, named Vivian Richards was at the crease. Greg Thomas, the Glamorgan fast bowler thundered in and beat the great man’s bat.

‘It’s red and its round. Can’t you see it?’ the bowler taunted Richards.

The next ball was an action replay. The ball pitched three quarters of length on middle and off, seamed away, and once again Richards was all at sea and comprehensively beaten.

‘It’s red and its round and it weighs four-and-a-half ounces. Can’t you see it?’ Greg Thomas quipped.

Richards took a stroll, summoned his powers of concentration, swung his arms around, took a fresh guard and got ready for the next ball.

Greg Thomas came running in. The delivery was right in the slot, and Viv launched into one of his trademark shots and smashed the ball out of the ground and straight into the river that flowed around it.

The maestro told the hapless bowler who almost died watching the ball go, ‘You know what it looks like… now go and get it!’

Source:  Internet.